Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just threw up on my dentist
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
