i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
