I think my fart just growled at me.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
