Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
