Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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