When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
