if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
