saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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