i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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