He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
