no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
