I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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