My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
