That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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