Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She bit a glass in half.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
