I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
