I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I have fence marks all over my body
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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