It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
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College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
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Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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