just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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