I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Someone came in the potted fern
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize