if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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