i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
