I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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