Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
