Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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