He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
