nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
