This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
