Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Randomize
