My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
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He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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