Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
