This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
