His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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