Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I need to sanitize my soul.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I currently don't understand fingers.
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