whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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