I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
