the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
