I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
everyone is single if you try hard enough
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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