Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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