im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize