cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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