i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
