My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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