Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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