Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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