My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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