You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
