i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
