she woke up with a sticky ear
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
