I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
