god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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