Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
