i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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