so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Randomize
