I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
