ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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